She calls it “active responsibility” and when it’s missing it is one of the top complaints women have about men in marriage counseling. Corrin Voeller is the marriage counselor who shared about this trend on the TikTok video website. The response from viewers was a series of virtual ‘amens’ as many women strongly agreed with Voller’s observation.
According to Voeller, active responsibility is “looking around the house for things that you could do and taking responsibility for the things that need to happen within the house.” By contrast, passive responsibility is “being available to help but waiting for someone to tell you what needs to be done.” From the responses received, it seems clear that women do not view being willing to help when asked the same as taking initiative and ownership and making sure that tasks get done– without prompting. Take note guys— sports scoring analogy: taking initiative is a touchdown while doing what your asked to do is at most a field goal.
If active responsibility is a factor in harmonious relationships, then we shouldn’t keep it a secret. We should teach it to our sons (and daughters), because no one want to end up in a relationship where it feels like they are doing all the work. That’s just a recipe for building resentment.
Levels of Initiative
Voller’s observation about active responsibility matches up nicely with a principle that my wife and I were taught and have included in our parenting class. There are levels of initiative. What this TicToc video calls “active responsibility” we call “self-generated initiative” as compared to “prompted initiative.” Self-generated initiative is the highest (most mature) form of showing responsibility. It is what parents should aim, over many years, to instill within their children.
Initiative is a character trait that is trained. It’s not automatic and, in fact, I suspect that taking initiative– especially on the mundane tasks– is contrary to human nature for most personality types. Broadly speaking, relational people would rather spend time talking. Analytical people would rather spend time learning or contemplating. Experiential people would rather be doing and performing. Only the organizer personalities are naturally driven to work the task list.
Training step one for the character trait of initiative is to demonstrate it in your own life as an adult. The ‘organizer’ type people get tired after a while (as demonstrated by the comments on Voller’s TicToc video) and they deserve some help! The rest of us can do it. We can overcome our natural bent and learn to show “self-generated initiative” within the home and family. It will required delayed gratification and sometimes a bit of self-denial, but the long-term potential gain is great. You are exercising your ‘adulting’ muscle (rather than being childish), reducing the stress on your partner, and (if ‘acts of service’ is in the top half of your partner’s Love Languages stack) you are saying ‘I Love You’ in an important way.
In addition to making sure your children can see you taking initiative, you will build this character trait through instruction, practice, and positive reinforcement. Keep this goal in mind: as you train your child, the aim is to move beyond compliance toward internal motivations and promptings. Start with small tasks. Express the expectation that they will take initiative before prompting is required. For example, “We need you to feed the pet every day before you eat breakfast and dinner, even without us reminding you every day.” Give them space and time to remember and take initiative. If they forget, prompt them to remember without repeating the instruction. For example, “Do you have the freedom to eat, or do you have a responsibility that you need to complete first?” When they succeed (a little or a lot) be sure to praise them so that you are ‘elevating the virtue’ of initiative by name when you see it. For example, “Son, I’m proud of you for taking initiative to help put away the chairs at church tonight – even without me having to ask you to lend a hand. That really helped everyone out and it shows that you are an active part of our church community.”
Train Them for Success in Life
Training for ‘self-generated initiative’ starts today and grows with your child. (Honestly it never stops. Many of us ‘grown-ups’ periodically need a re-commitment to self-generated initiative.) If you teach the value of initiative now, then later in life it will be a blessing to him and to others. It will contribute to his future accomplishments and it will increase the quality of his relationships.
@corrinthecounselor Passive Responsibility vs Active Responsibility #relationships #therapy #ThatCloseMessenger #marriage #IDeserveTuitionContest ♬ original sound - Corrin Voeller
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