"Be not afraid of discomfort. If you can't put yourself in a situation where you are uncomfortable, then you will never grow. You will never change. You'll never learn."
– Jason Reynolds, Author
Parenting– I mean real, good, dedicated, noble parenting– is not for the faint of heart. As much as you are watching (and cheering for) the growth you see in your children, you are probably also feeling (and putting effort toward) your own personal growth. I strongly believe that God uses parenting as a major growth motivator and growth acceleration opportunity for each person who becomes a parent. The love that children need from us is both selfless and consistent, and both of those traits are signs of maturity that most people spend a lifetime growing into.
Parenting can make us uncomfortable because it calls us to become something we’ve never been before. But from that place of discomfort, we experience God’s strength, guidance, and grace. As we shepherd the children within our care, we learn more and understand more about the Great Shepherd who is caring for us.
Identity Development
"You can be comfortable or courageous, but you can’t be both."
– Unknown
I recently learned more about the work of Dr. James Marcia, a clinical psychologist who studied the identity development process. Your identity is who you believe yourself to be and what you understand to be your purpose for being here. Your identity consciously and unconsciously guides many of your choices and behaviors. I think it is the reason why engineers can’t help but look for ways to improve something. (Believe me, I was raised by two engineers!) It is why teachers are always formally and informally imparting knowledge and skills to others. (They are life-long learners and knowledge sharers.) And it’s why many Fathers are driven to provide and protect and why mothers are compelled to keep tabs on everyone’s connectedness and emotional health. Of course, I’m using generalities here, but the point is that how you see yourself – your strengths, abilities, and purpose – will help you feel comfortable ‘in your lane’ and feel compelled to contribute your best.
Dr. Marcia’s research on identify development has often been considered in light of adolescent development and how people choose their professions, their political principles, and their religious beliefs. But what if we look at our ‘parenting identity’ in view of Marcia’s identity development states? Marcia states that the process of developing your [parenting] identity involves both 1) exploration and 2) commitment. The level to which you have done both (explored and committed) will determine the strength and health of your [parenting] identity.
- Those who are exploring but have not yet committed to any particular principles and practices of parenting are in the “Identify Diffusion” state. They are very adaptable as they try different things, but may not be very consistent because they haven’t made decisions, yet, about what is best for them and their family. A person could go through the ‘diffusion’ state before they have children or early in their parenting while everything is new to them.
- Those who have committed to particular principles and practices of parenting without really spending much time exploring the alternatives are in the “Identify Foreclosure” state. They have strong opinions on what is the right way but without much understanding of other options to be able to explain the pros and cons as they relate to their family.
- Those who are in an uncomfortable phase (having seen the variety of parenting options that exists), and not yet sure which parenting principles and practices they will adopt are in the “Identity Moratorium” (i.e. freeze, halt, pause) state. This is commonly called an ‘identity crisis.’ A person who has been in ‘diffusion’ or ‘foreclosure’ and then faces a need to reevaluate, possibly make changes, and to commit will go through this period of discomfort.
- Once you have explored the options, worked through uncomfortable decisions, and committed to the parenting principles and practices that they will use, then you the “Identity Achievement” state. A person who has ‘achieved’ a [parenting] identify has arrived at conclusions about what works best for them and their family and they know why they have made those decisions.
Embracing Discomfort for Growth
Back to our opening question, “Is it OK that parenting makes me uncomfortable?” The answer is YES – especially if that discomfort is part of your growth journey. You see, the stages of ‘diffusion’ and ‘foreclosure’ are both comfortable places but not the most mature places. It takes walking through the discomfort of the ‘Moratorium’ state for you to ‘achieve’ a strong [parenting] identity. As a side note, some researchers have extended Marcia’s model by adding a fifth state, “Searching Moratorium,” which means that periodic refinement of your ‘achieved’ identity requires another (smaller) period of questioning, evaluating, an adjusting.
Parenting is uncomfortable sometimes. Discomfort is part of the growth process. A friend told me recently that something she tells her children regularly is, “You can do hard things.” At the end of your season of parenting, the fact that you have done hard things is why you will be justifiably proud of the effort you put forth to achieve success. Being a good parent doesn’t just make our children better, it makes US better as human beings. Parenting can shape you more into the image of God and His son, Jesus Christ.
There is no real ‘achievement’ without discomfort! Onward to achievement!
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