"Nothing else ever will make you as happy or as sad, as proud or as tired, for nothing is quite as hard as helping a person develop his own individuality — especially while you struggle to keep your own."
– Elia S. Parsons
Becoming the Parent You Want to Be
Let’s start with a moment of brutal honesty. For the vast majority of humans, good parenting does not just come naturally. It’s hard work. Yet we know that it is “oh so important” because a good (loving and effective) parent gives their children a huge leg up in life. The children receive a head start toward healthy relationships, career achievements, and spiritual/ psychological understanding.
So, how does a person become a good parent? People are correct when they say “there is no owner’s manual for children.” In the same way, there is no cookie-cutter, one-size-fits-all formula for good parenting. Your parenting style, house rules, discipline strategies, and encouragement methods will be somewhat different from your friends. And that’s OK. Being a good parent is going to require the integration of time-tested wisdom, a clear-eyed understanding of your own self (personality, strengths and weaknesses), and a careful assessment of what works and doesn’t work for your unique children.
Why Be Thoughtful
What I might call ‘thoughtless parenting’ just isn’t going to cut it if you want to become a good parent. Simply following the patterns and ‘scripts’ of your youth or following the currently popular (and ever changing) parenting advice on mass/social media is not a winning plan. It doesn’t take into account the factors above: seeking timeless wisdom, understanding yourself, and understanding your children. Parenting fads come and go and they often leave unintended outcomes to which the next generation will react (and maybe overreact). For example, if you were a child of authoritarian parents: will you repeat that pattern because it’s what you know; will you rebel against authoritarian tendencies and become a permissive appeaser; or will you thoughtfully search for a healthy middle ground that is neither too authoritarian nor too permissive? Being thoughtful and intentional is critically important. And there is another reason to put thought into your parenting methods. Your patterns, ‘scripts,’ and expectations and those of your partner probably differ, which creates the potential for conflict. You will need to blend your norms and his/her norms together so that your children can experience a consistent approach.
Being ‘thought-FULL’ in parenting means considering the options and making intentional decisions about what is best for your family. When seeking what is best, you will face many choices. Which traditions will you carry forward into your new family unit; and which will you leave behind? What values will you promote above others in raising your children. What stated and unstated norms will exist within your home? Over time this will become your ‘parenting identity’ and your ‘family identity’ and it will become both more comfortable and less work. It’s kind of similar to how driving a car felt like “so many decisions, so fast” when you were first learning. Then, over time, driving a car (or deciding how to handle parenting situations) becomes ‘muscle memory’ and happens much more naturally. (I’ll dive deeper into the process of identity formation in an upcoming article.)
How To Be Thoughtful
Here are three sources of information and strength that are valuable as you intentionally work to build a parenting style that works for you and your children.
- Life Experiences – You know what you experienced growing up. With reflection, you can determine what you respect about that process and what you don’t. Looking back on your upbringing doesn’t need to be judgmental for it to be instructive. Hopefully we all stand on the shoulders of those who have come before us and we strive to be and do better with each generation. Carefully considering your upbringing can help you to not mindlessly repeat the past, but instead to selectively use the best of what you learned about what is beneficial and what is not.
- Respected Examples – Ask yourself and your spouse, “Who do you consider to be successful parents?” These could be people close to your age or generations older. Spend time thinking about what you respect about their parenting style and why you think it works. In addition to observation, you could share a meal and ask for their advice. You can learn valuable things from those who are ahead of you on this journey, and can receive much needed encouragement, too. They would be honored to know that you look up to them.
- Trusted Information – I encourage you to look beyond the current trends to find parenting advice that has a track record of success. As Christians, the Bible is both a source of wisdom and an unchanging measuring stick of whether suggested parenting principles are consistent with the mind and will of God. Look for a few trusted sources of information and let those help you form a solid framework of parenting principles. When going through difficult periods with your children, it give you strength to know that you are following time-tested principles that will help you get through the trials.
With all the ideas you gain from considering your life experiences, respected examples, and trusted information sources, now you need to bring them together and find what works. This period of integration is going to require some time and experimentation. Don’t measure a strategy by whether it ‘feels comfortable’ or not – because new things rarely feel comfortable. Instead, remember that the virtues of courage and persistence will be your friends on this journey. After an honest, concerted effort, evaluate whether each parenting practice you are trying is moving you toward your family goals. Is it creating harmony, justice, mercy, and healthy relationships within the home?
Conclusion
"People say parenting is the hardest job in the world – they’re wrong – growing up is. We all just forget how hard it was.”
– Jack Thorne
Yes, parenting is as hard as it is rewarding. For our children, the many-years-long process of becoming themselves is also hard. As ‘Thought-FULL’ parents, we can help them along their journey and create the environment in which they will grow and achieve. You will ease your child’s journey to adulthood by being a consistent, dedicated, thoughtful, and ever improving parent.
Once you get really good at parenting, you’ll work yourself out of that job – and into a lifelong friendship with your child.
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